Could Norman Rockwell Paint This Thanksgiving?

Nov. 18, 2001

By MAXIE RIZLEY

    Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! It's holiday time again!

    Time to gather 'round the table with family and friends, time to look back on the year and give thanks for the blessings of home, hearth and freedom. Time to take a walk on a brisk fall day, smell the woodsmoke-scented air, listen to the reassuring sound of F-16s flying combat air patrol over the city.

    Time to join hands and raise our voices in a timeless song of the season:

    "Over the river, and through the wood,
    To Grandmother's house we go ... "

    Okay.

    First off, Grandmother moved to Scottsdale and bought into a gated "leisure living community" two years ago last spring, after the record snowfall up in the hills melted all at once during a freak warm spell and the raging river flooded not only the wood, but Grandma's farmhouse as well.

    Oh, she was all ready to re-build -- had an architect draw up plans for a modern, spacious, energy-efficient split ranch with central heat and air and an attached garage to replace that drafty old pile she and Gramps had moved into back in 1940 -- but the county historical commission nixed the design as "unsympathetic with the historic character of the Civil War battlefield on which applicant's property is situated."

    Wow. Guess those stories Gramps told about Stonewall Jackson carving his initials in the privy door were true after all!

    " ... The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh ... "

    Hmmm. Not a bad way to travel nowadays, all things considered. Unless, of course, the horse gets into the green hay, in which case it's a miserable way to travel for anyone riding aft of old Dobbin.

    Then, again:

    " ... Through the white and drifted snow ... "

    "White and drifted snow?" In Scottsdale? Arizona? Right. Not in THIS geological epoch! But to continue:

   "Over the river and through the wood,
    To Grandmother's house, away!
    We would not stop for doll or top,
    For 'tis Thanksgiving Day!"

    Okay, maybe not for a doll or top, (nor for a jelly roll or a lemon drop, nor to pay a toll to a cop, nor even for dear old Mom and Pop, we will not stop, we shall not stop, said Sam-I-Am ... ahem.)

    But if we pass a Wal-Mart that by some miracle has an Xbox left in stock -- oh, you betchum, we'll stop!

    "Over the river and through the wood,
    When Grandmother sees us come,
    She will say, 'O, dear, the children are here,
    Bring a pie for every one!'"

    Uh-oh. Pie. I KNEW we were supposed to bring something. How far back was it that we saw that Marie Callender's sign, anyway?

    "Over the river and through the wood,
    Now Grandmother's cap I spy ... "

    "Oh, lordy, lordy! They come by sleigh and they're STILL early!  Three o'clock, I told 'em, don't get here 'till three, and here it is quarter to two!  Paw, get the eggnog out of the fridge and watch the football with 'em until I can get these curlers out of my hair and my makeup on!"   

    " ... Hurrah for the fun! Is the pudding done?... "

    "No, it's not done, neither is the turkey, nor the dressing, nor the sweet potatoes, Aunt Bessie's still at the store getting the wine she forgot to bring -- and good Lord grant she gets it here before she drinks it all up, bless her heart. And your cousins called from the Tampa airport -- something about getting the fruitcake through security. Go out by the pool with Paw and watch the football for a while 'till I can for God's sake get myself together!"

    " ... Hurrah for the pumpkin pie!"

    "Oh, bless you, child, you remembered!

    At least SOMETHING'S gone right today!"