Adventures in Babysitting

I am the lizard king!

Telling stories to protect the innocent

 

This story is completely true though the complete

stupidity and blind trust exhibited will shock

many of you.

 

I, Lo Phat Ham, the smiter, the breaker-in-pieces,

was approached by my neighbors and asked to babysit.

Yes, you heard right.. ..BABYSIT.

 

Now, if they had put any real amount of thought

into this decision, my name should have been at

the very end of a very long list. Evidently they

couldn't find a pack of rabid pit bulls or an

unsupervised swimming pool.. ..so they figured

that I would be the next best thing.

 

I was out working in the yard and my neighbor,

Bud, came over with his three little hellions in tow.

 

"Hey G! (this is Bud's nickname for me) Could

you do me a favor, man? We have to go pick up

my mother-in-law at the airport and the kids

don't wanna go. Could you just keep an eye on

them until we get back? It shouldn't take more

than an hour or so."

 

You have to understand - I like his kids

(the twins, Melissa and Sarah, are 6, and

his boy, Mark, is but I don't like to

be held responsible for anything that isn't

my fault.

 

"I don't know, Bud." I said with some

hesitation. "I don't have much experience

with kids, you know? What exactly am I

supposed to do with them until you get back?"

 

Bud held his hands up as if to ward off any

rejections. "They like you, man. Just keep

an eye on them 'til we get back. They can help

you with the yard work. They won't be a

problem.. ..really."

 

The kids stared at me with the silence and

concentration of lions watching a wounded

gazelle.

 

The onus of being a good neighbor was hanging

over my head on this one, so I relented, though

somewhat reluctantly.

 

"Alright, Bud.. ..but what if they get hungry?

The only thing in my 'fridge is beer and okra

pickles. What do kids eat nowadays?" I asked,

hoping that my obvious lack of knowledge would

excuse me from the duty.

 

"No, no" he said quickly, sensing success.

"They're fine. They already had lunch and

if the need anything they can get it from

our house."

 

"Okay, yeah.. ..I guess they can help me

with the yard work. Do you think your boy

can handle a chainsaw?"

 

He laughed as if I was kidding. (Okay, I WAS!

I know some of you are parents and I don't

want you thinking I'm a complete monster..

..then again, I don't want you thinking I'm

a good choice as a baby-sitter either) He

signaled his wife and they ran to their car

before I could say anything else.

 

PART TWO - Joining the ranks of the Lo Phat Army

 

 

I turned around to survey my new troops.

 

"Okay, you heard your dad. We're going to

do some yard work. You guys have any

preferences? I asked

 

Silence, stares. This wasn't going to be easy.

 

"Okay then.. ..I'm the General. That's the

guy in charge, and good troops always follow

their general's orders. Mark, you're my

sergeant and you two are his privates"

 

Mark was looking confused and embarrassed

for some reason. "My - my privates?"

 

OH, CHRIST! It was starting already!

 

"No, that's not what I meant! In the army,

privates are the.. ..Oh, never mind. Mark,

you're the Boss, and Melissa and Sarah are

your workers, okay?"

 

I handed Mark a rake and continued. "Now,

in this army the boss rakes the leaves

and his workers are in charge of putting

the leaves in these bags." I handed Melissa

and Sarah their own individual garbage bags

and pointed them towards a pile that I'd

already started.

 

They moved off towards the pile and I turned

back to resume hacking at the rogue

Cacti Gloriosa that was threatening to take

over one corner of the yard.

 

 

PART THREE - Imparting knowledge and molding young minds

 

 

I was flailing at the cactus with a shovel

while trying to avoid the spiky-tipped leaves

when I heard the first squeals of terror. I

dropped the shovel and ran over to the kids.

Counting fingers and toes and not seeing any

blood, I asked them what the problem was.

 

Melissa pointed to the leaves against the

cinder block wall and stuttered out..

.."S-s-s-snakes."

 

I went over to the pile and didn't see anything

there. I took the rake from Mark and moved some

leaves and caught a flash of movement. A tiny

gecko scurried up the wall and disappeared into

a crack.

 

"That's not a snake. That's a gecko.. ..they

won't hurt you." I said patiently. "They eat

bugs and they're kind of cute, don't you think?"

I pointed to another on that was slowly making

his way up the wall. It was about five inches

long, pinkish-orange in color with a striped

tail and huge black eyes, it looked like a cartoon.

 

"My mom says they're poison" Sarah intoned.

 

Melissa grabbed my leg in a death-grip and

moaned, "K-k-kill iiiiiiitttttt."

 

I grabbed the rake as Mark took a swipe at

the little lizard, thereby saving it from

a vicious and possibly fatal.. ..raking.

I decided that the fate of these harmless

little creatures depended on my convincing

these kids that their actions were not only

unacceptable, but dangerous.

 

"Whoa there, Sparky!" I growled. "you best

be careful . There's probably hundreds of

'em watching you right now. If they see you

kill one of their brothers they might swarm

on you."

 

I went on to explain how the gecko's were

actually extremely intelligent creatures

and how they usually hide during the daylight

in huge underground caverns. Thousands, even

millions of them, were sleeping in giant

caves right under our very feet. I explained

how they were harmless as long as you didn't

hurt them, but god help whoever kills one.

 

"They come out at night you know", I said

in a low whisper. "Huge, roving bands of

geckos flowing like water out of cracks in

walls and pouring from sewer grates in

hissing, slithering waves. They crawl out

of the electrical outlets in your house and

eat up all the bugs while you're asleep."

 

"Y-you're lying.. ..they do n-n-not." Mark

said, sounding none too sure of himself.

 

"Oh, yes they do." I assured him. "But if

you've been nice to them - you're safe. They'll

catch that spider that might have crawled into

your bed. They'll protect you from any bugs that

might want to get at you and they'll never, ever

hurt you. But if you don't treat them nice - well,

they just might get together under your bed and

vomit up about a hundred pounds of spiders and

bugs. I've seen it happen before.. ..it's not a

pretty sight. I don't even want to think about it."

 

They were hooked. Their eyes pleaded with me to

tell them that they would be okay.. ..that they

hadn't gone too far already. That, somehow, they

could save themselves from the heinous fate I had

just described. I went over to the wall and moved

some leaves aside until I found one of the tiny

geckos. Gently capturing the sluggish little guy,

I brought him over to the wide-eyed trio.

 

"See?" I held out the little beast for them to

ogle. "He's really a friendly little guy. Just

tell him that you're sorry and you didn't mean

the things you said. Then he can go back and

tell his friends that you're nice and they'll

love you and protect you."

 

Mark was still skeptical though. "They can't

understand English. They're just lizards."

He looked up to see what I had to say to that.

 

"Well, do you really want to take the chance?

I mean, what do you have to lose by being nice,

huh? I asked him soberly. "Here, I think you

should hold him. That way he'll know that you

don't mean him any harm."

 

I shooed the little guy from my palm and onto

Mark's shirt sleeve. He lay there blinking up

at the four of us.. ..seeming not afraid in the least.

 

Melissa leaned a little closer. "We love you"

she said sincerely.

 

"Yeah, we won't hurt you. We're real sorry."

Sarah whispered.

 

The lizard actually cocked his head as if listening,

then scurried up to Mark's elbow and eyed him accusingly.

 

"Y-y-yeah, me too.. ..me too. Sorry.." Mark stuttered

quickly.

 

The little lizard blinked twice and jumped off of

his arm and disappeared into a crack at the bottom

of the wall.

 

"There, don't you feel better now?" I asked.

"He's going to tell all his friends how nice

you guys are. Now, let's get back to work, okay?

Tell you what - I'll go inside and make up a

fresh pitcher of iced-tea for us. You all just

keep raking and bagging those leaves.. ..just

be careful of those geckos if you see any. Be

nice, okay?

 

I went inside to make the promised pitcher of tea.

When I came back out about 15 minutes later, the

lawn was strewn with leaves. The five previously

full garbage bags lay empty on the walkway. All

three kids were gingerly picking through the leaves

on their hands and knees.

 

"What happened?" I asked. "I said to pick the

leaves UP, not empty them back onto the lawn."

 

"But we didn't know about the geckos before and

we mighta raked some up. We had to make sure."

 

I couldn't very well change my story now, so

I told them that it was a pretty smart idea

to make sure they hadn't trapped any of the

little guys. Then we all began to carefully

refill the garbage bags with the gecko-free leaves.

 

I heard another little squeal from Sarah, " Eeeew!

A big old beetle!... Kill it!"

 

Uh-oh.. ..Here we go again.

 

I'm just sayin'...

 

Lo Phat Ham