FALLING INTO A BOOBY TRAP
 
An open letter from John Martin to Quick Perfection:
 
Thank you for your e-mail offering me bigger, firmer, natural-looking breasts.
I have three questions though:
1. Do the breasts come with a woman on the other end or do I have to have them myself?
2. If they do come accompanied, and I am not completely satisfied with your "amazing" product after 30 days, do I have to return the goods to get my money back? Or could I, say, just return one of them and get half my money back?
I would appreciate a reply so I can weigh it up. I get a lot of e-mail pitches and I feel pressured to pick something soon.
Right now, I am teetering between a scheme that promises to make me a millionaire in just a few months and one that offers to significantly enlarge my willy.
But I have also been tempted by offers of "free" air tickets, an easy university degree, Viagra, Human Growth Hormone, the chance to earn millions of dollars by helping several Africans transfer money, the opportunity to sell Indian clothing and Chinese shoes, inexpensive and comfortable water bras, stock market advice, "already approved" finance, "free" access to online casinos and porn sites and quick, efficient roadside car service based, incongruously, in the United States.
From time to time I get e-mail saying something like, "your name as been given to us by a friend who believes you are someone who wants to get very rich, very fast. Click here to find out more."
Alas, I never do.
I guess that is why I have never got rich quickly, or even slowly, which must come as a great disappointment to the person who thought I had the right stuff in the first place.
Once I was asked to buy some "aphrodisia" drops.
I half-expected the e-mail to say: "Your name has been given to us by a friend of yours who reckons you really, truly need this stuff."
It did not, so I guess I was not recommended by someone I know and I am not sure yet how I feel about that.
Nevertheless, it nearly had me hooked until I read how potent the drops were. "Usage should not exceed two doses per week."
That is a bit like saying: "Come throw your investment in with us and get rich fast, though only on Mondays and Thursdays."
Heck, what am I supposed to do on Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays? Go cold turkey?
No offence, but I also have my worries about boob and willy enlargement.
Instead of this fixation for making them larger, why hasn't someone thought laterally about making women and men smaller?
But I digress.
My question No 3 is: If I do have to grow the bigger, firmer, natural-looking breasts myself, how do I know your Quick Bust Capsules have been sanctioned by the International Olympic Federation? Despite being middle-aged, I still hope to compete in the men's 100m at the Beijing Olympic Games. Even if I am allowed to run, I do not want to lose my balance and trip at the 50m mark. I want people to remember me for my superb burst of speed, not my superb bust.
 
John Martin. All Rights Reserved