You can justify anything if you try hard enough.  Why, just ask soap writers!  I’m sure there all very nice people (making fun of fictional characters is OK but I hesitate to complain about actual people), but who is it that I can blame for silly rewrites that are so bad that they make the item being re-written look positively brilliant?  Or for creating new characters for the sole purpose of meshing with other characters we barely like anyway (I’m talking to you, All My Children).  In the interest of understanding the impossible, I’ve compiled all my notes, and I now present to you my summation of what General Hospital wants me, Jane Average Soap Viewer, to think, in chronological order:

 

§         First, I'm to think that AJ is killed by a vapid idiot (at the time – she got more likeable later, naturally, before she was iced) who killed him to blackmail another vapid blonde to kill Dr. Insensitivity, Steven “Don’t Call Me Lars” Webber.  

§         Then, I'm to think that precocious redhead Michael is dead, killed by Evil Mobstress Faith.  Harsh!  Yet, plausible.  Hey, did we ever figure out who killed Faith?  Was it AJ?  Didn’t we see John give the order?  Oh please let this all be a dream…

§         Then, I'm to think that sexy and slightly crazed AJ faked his death so that he could kidnap aforementioned precocious redheaded son. Whoa.  Again, harsh, yet sadly plausible.  I mean they had already made AJ beyond redemption, so why not?

§         Then, I'm to think that AJ is smothered to death with a pillow.  By a nine year old.  Creepy, yet possible, given the nine year old’s, um, “heritage.” 

§         Then I'm supposed to believe that the therapist that the Mob Board of Appearances thinks is OK for Michael to see just so happens to be someone that is “connected” to The Jason and “the accident.”  Except that he wasn’t, you know, in real life.  I mean in real soap life.  I think.

§         After gallivanting around that plot line, I am then asked to believe that The Jason is having a “flashback” from when he woke up after the accident, and that Monica, whose hair looks strangely like it does in modern times, came in and greeted him as if he had just woken up from a nap, rather than an accident induced comatose state.  The first of poorly orchestrated last minute rewrite plot “twists.”

§         Further, I'm supposed to think that AJ, who if I’m not mistaken clearly looked like Sean Kanan at the time of the accident, magically transformed by our friend the “flashback” to an AJ that looked more like Billy Warlock.  Or is it just me?

§         Then, I'm to believe that AJ hated The Jason, who had net yet even become “The Jason” and was merely Jason Quartermaine, so much that he would want to “plot” to “kill” him with Dr. Thomas.

§         Then, I am asked to further believe that Dr. Thomas murdered AJ to prevent his role in the potential elimination of Jason from being revealed (and there’s some crap about Alan and a brick too…)

§         Finally, I am to believe that Dr. Thomas would frame a nine year old for this crime, and to further cover up his cover up that covered up his covered up cover up, he killed Rachel.  Then drugged the whole entire town into buying that crap.

 

It is more plausible that Michael snapped and smothered AJ than the crap they are attempting to sell me (cause I ain’t buyin’).  I also would have found the whole Jodie thing more interesting if she was a ghost rather than a figment of Michael’s damaged mind; maybe the ghost of someone also killed by Dr. Thomas – for apparently, there is quite a long list.  And gee, I can’t imagine what will happen to Dr. Thomas now.

 

So, can someone clue me in?  Is Reese a psychopathic witch hell-bent on harboring revenge fantasies on Carly for “stealing” her life, or is she a loving and giving caregiver that wants to help mankind while simultaneously being in bed with the Mob?  Just make up your minds, people (the writers, not you guys).  I think the scene that made me hate Reese was the one in which she said to Carly something about being a whore, and then said, “…must be genetic.”  Carly didn’t smack her hard enough.  That was just nasty, especially considering that at the time the double crossing wench was defending Carly’s mama. 

 

I like the Reese/Ric partnership (assuming I continue to be able to stand Reese, that is…).  I’m thrilled that Ric is no longer the DA.  I mean, being reformed and all, he can’t be the DA.  He’s not evil anymore, and the DA must be evil, it’s a Port Charles law!  I also think they are doing better with making the character nice rather than a total pushover.  I really liked the kinda sorta brother moment that he had with Sonny.  I’m behind episode wise, but I think what I need now to make Ric officially redeemed is a scene with Carly in which he apologizes dramatically and begs her forgiveness for what he did to her.  Would she forgive him, or mouth off?  Probably both.

 

Moving on, in one of my older columns, I proposed working out a character exchange program; I believe at that time I was talking about GH and proposing getting rid of Courtney for more AJ.  Imagine that.  I now propose we immediately institute this program in our Pine Valley wing of soapdom.  The vibe there lately has been nothing short of tortuous.  The exchange program may be set up this way – walk with me:

 

For every Babe scene, we get four David scenes.

For every Jamie scene, we get four Brook scenes.

For every Amanda scene, we get three Myrtle scenes.

For every (what’s her name again? Oh….) Krystle scene, we get five Adam scenes.

 

Of course, rather than exchanges, we could also just say that once Babe, Jamie, Amanda, and Whatsherface appear, we don’t have to see them for approximately 50 episodes.  That would work, wouldn’t it?

 

Generally I try not to speak of Amanda, but speaking of Amanda, she might want to check out a1988 movie with Loni Anderson and Patrick Duffy, I believe it’s called Too Good to Be True..  Loni’s character, a manipulator, takes an overdose to appear the victim and tells her sister to call for help.  Her sister thinks she’s faking, and doesn’t call for help.  Loni’s character dies.  Obviously, Amanda doesn’t watch Lifetime.  I hate this storyline.  I have dignified it too much already.  I shall now resume ignoring it. 

 

Now that she has finally shut up, I am sort of feeling sorry for Greenlee.  But not so sorry for her as to wish Ryan would come back.  Let’s not go crazy now.  Ryan is faking his death so that he can avoid dealing with his emotions, and he calls Zach a control freak?  Ryan, for the love of God and all that is holy, why are you still here, and if you must be here, why do you insist on talking?  Shut your piehole and be gone with you!  Let Zach talk.  I love you, Zach!  Now hurry up and get to Kendall so that I can have my dream couple.

 

I must concur with my fellow and sister EOS columnists:  Lily is beyond one-note and a drastic change is in order.  What could have been a charming love story between childlike Lily and stupid Sam was forced.  I don’t want to see them practice touching, ever again.  If I do, I may need to hurl.  I hate it so much that I am reduced to writing about “hurling.”  Oh thank you, AMC, you have validated me as a writer!  The character of Lily has become like a neighborhood child that you meet and find adorable and charming, and then, upon observing her long enough, you realize she is not only a brat, but an especially annoying brat.  Change it back.

 

We simply need more Reggie.  And less Dani.  I don’t care what Josh wants.  He has a sexy voice and all but his storyline is boooring.  And so is Dr. Madden’s, no disrespect intended for Ian Buchanan fans.  My favorite role of his is that of Ian McFyfer, on It’s Garry Shandling’s Show.  Anyone remember that?  “This is the theme to Garry’s show, the theme to Garry’s show, Garry called me up and asked if I would write his theme song, I’m almost halfway finished, how do you like it so far…”  Oh… sorry, guys…  Before I get back to the soaps, that show was created by Alan Zweibel who wrote an excellent biographical play about Gilda Radner, called Bunny Bunny.  Get it, it’s incredible.

 

I don’t know what to say about this bank robbery thing.  I liked Adam trying to get the gun away from the guy who had the gun on Tad.  I found that touching – don’t ask me why.  I just love my Adam.  Who do I need to sleep with to get him away from Krystle?  I’ll do it too, for us.  Just don’t tell my boyfriend, he may not support my endeavor in the name of Adam fans.  Note from Evie:  The preceding sentence was not written by me – I would never sleep with anyone to get my way.  My evil twin, Edie, wrote that.

 

Good twins and bad twins, that takes me right to what I wanted to talk about in Bay City tonight.  I had a first – I saw a scene that made me like Marley.  I know – I can’t believe it either.  Bland, boring, bitchy Marley put it in perspective and read Jake the rules, didn’t she?  I don’t think I liked Marley beyond Ellen Wheeler’s Marley.  Once Anne Heche took over Vicky/Marley, it seemed to me that Vicky emerged as the dominant twin. 

 

Anybody ever read the Sweet Valley High series?  Oh come on – you know you did.  And you liked Jessica better than Liz, right?  Because Liz was good and kind and true and always did the right thing to the bitter, stick-in-the-mud end, and when she lashed out, she was overly bitchy.  Whereas it was a given with Jessica that she was always bitchy because she was more selfish and didn’t think before she acted; when she was nice, she was really and unexpectedly nice.  Plus she was just more fun.

 

So it was with Vicky and Marley.  Privileged Marley was good and underprivileged Vicky wasn’t, the assumption being she had to fight for whatever she got.  Marley got more and more boring as she was established as the “good” twin, and when she lashed out, she was a bitch.  The ultimate “Marley’s an unforgiving bitch” moment came in the late 1990’s, shortly before the plastic surgery recast crap, when Jensen Buchanan was playing Vicky and Marley. 

 

I won’t tell you what, but something awful happened for which Vicky was perceived as being at fault (she wasn’t).  Marley sat on her plane heading back to San Juan Capistrano or wherever she was living then, while, on the ground, Vicky stood outside her house, looking up at the stars.  Marley looked out the airplane window and told Vicky she’d had it, she was done with her twin for good, and said, “Goodbye, Vicky.”  Down on earth, Vicky, still looking up at the stars, suddenly looked panicked and terrified and cried out, “Goodbye?  No, Marley!  Not goodbye!”  That was a pretty intense scene, and describing it doesn’t do it justice. 

 

Only Anne Heche could make me see Marley with new eyes after 16 years.  Marley appears at Donna’s place, just after Jake shows up asking if Donna has heard from her.  Marley is still mad at Donna for her role in covering up the Vicky/Jake thing, but Donna does something extremely un-Donna like and doesn’t press her, and instead leaves her alone with Jake. 

 

The fact that Marley is shown in a red dress and behaving in a decidedly un-Marley-like fashion is not lost on the viewer.  She even sounds a little like Vicky – now, I know, you’re thinking, number one Evie, they’re twins, and number two, Evie, they’re the same actress.  Yes, ‘tis true, however sometimes twins voices differ slightly (just ask my three year old friends Dylan and CJ – they’re already pulling twin switches, but their triplet Bridget can tell them apart).  Also, Anne Heche is so good at showing the differences in the twins, you forget she’s the same actress.

 

Marley goes on to give Jake the what-for of his life.  It was beautiful.  She finally admits what we have seen all along – she was blinded by love for Jake and put what he wanted over what she wanted, to such a degree as to believe that she and Jake were better suited to raise Steven, justifying Jake’s desire to take Steven away from Vicky.  Marley rails at Jake about how her twin will never forgive her, even understanding it herself as the veil of blind love has been lifted; and how Steven has now been taken away from Vicky anyway, and “… all of that happened because of what you put us all through.”

 

Yeah!  You go, girl.  See?  Only Anne Heche could make me like Marley, of all people.  OK, OK, I guess I should give the writers some credit, heh heh heh…

 

Well, I am off to my glorious, air-conditioned bedroom.  I can’t think of a quote this week, so I’ll end the same way Sid Mark, my favorite DJ and host of the local Philly and national Frank Sinatra radio programs (for 50 years this year, I’ll have you know), ends his show:

 

“God willing and all things being equal, I look forward to the pleasure of your company next time.  Sleep warm.”

 

Well, it’s 90 degrees, how can you not?