THE TUMBLEWEED CRISIS
© Grat Crabtree

My wife was traumatized so much by this incident that she still avoids the area. She will drive two miles out of her way to go around the stretch of road where this happened. That's just how she is.

It was about two years ago on a windy and blustery day here in Southern California. We were coming back from yard saleing with a haul of junk packed into the hatchback. Suzie was driving along a two lane dogleg when literally out of nowhere a HUGE tumbleweed, easily twice the size of the car, rolled into the lane blocking our car. It sat there, rocking menacingly in the wind.

"What should I do?" Suzie asked me.

"Stopping would be a good idea." I replied calmly as we barreled towards the extra large ex-plant.

Those of you not familiar with what a tumbleweed is should know this: A tumbleweed is a bush about 2 or 3 feet tall, rather like a Christmas tree except round. After pollination and seed production it dies. Being attached to the ground by a brittle stem it breaks off in the wind, rolling across the desert spreading it's DNA. That's it's life cycle, luckily not mine.

So what we encountered was obviously an evil mutant tumbleweed.

Suzie stopped the car ten feet from the huge shuddering monstrosity. The kids in the back started screaming.

"Now what?" Suzie said.

"Since traffic is coming up behind us I would suggest going around it." I suggested.

Suzie maneuvered the car around and past the bizarre dead plant. The kids stopped screaming and everything was fine. We all looked at each other lovingly, another crisis resolved, and continued merrily on our way.

"Dad?" My boy Walter from the back seat said, " I think we have a problem."

I turned and looked out the back window to see the Tumbleweed rolling towards the car. The wind must have changed because it was actually gaining on us!

"Step on it, Suzie!" I screamed. "It's coming after us!"

She looked in the rearview mirror, screamed, and punched the gas. The little hatchback gave it all she gots.

The Tumbleweed rolled like a three-D ripsaw on our ass.

"AHHHHH!" we all said, scared to shit, looking at each other eyes wide.

The car was screaming now too. Suzie forgot to shift the gears.

"Shift! Shift!" I said gesticulating.

Suzie shifted just as the evil not-tree scratched the bumper with it's claws.

We pulled away into a new life, feeling reborn, leaving The Tumbleweed behind in its strange windy dogleg world to catch the unwary.

I drive past that spot twice every day, going to work and coming back. I know that tumbleweed is still there, waiting to roll out in front of me.

This time I won't stop.