Ahoy there, parents! Raise yer kids as pirates!

 by Tim Bete

              Im not sure when the idea to raise my kids as pirates first came to me. It may have been one of those days when I felt like I was on the wrong end of a mutiny. Or it may have been that Saturday morning when I woke up to my kids shouting and fighting and realized that, unknowingly, I had already raised four little buccaneers.

But I soon realized there are many benefits to raising kids as pirates. If your kids are already rotten, it helps you explain their behavior.  Say youre in the grocery store and your children are destroying the produce section. All you need to say to the manager is, Arrgh! Me kids have been at sea for months and are looking for oranges to prevent the scurvy. The produce manager will be apologizing to you, matey.
You want your children to have high self-esteem, dont ye? Pirates have the highest self-esteem of any occupation, except the occupation of actor. But you dont want your children to be chased by paparazzi everywhere they go. Pirates are never chased by paparazzi unless the pirate is Johnny Depp at the opening of Pirates of the Caribbean but that doesnt count because hes not a real pirate.
 Raising your children as pirates teaches them discipline, hard work and a colorful vocabulary. Typical household chores become exciting and fun when done in the pirate way. Your children may not want to sweep the kitchen floor but they'll beg for the chance to swab the poop deck, even if its only because they can say the word poop without being flogged for it.

 And young pirates are much more likely to listen to their parents. Your son may not obey you when you say, Stop fighting with your sister, but hell listen when you bellow, Avast ye scurvy dog or I'll give ye a taste of me hook!

 But the best part is that pirates are happy, deal well with difficult circumstances and are team players. Theyre financially independent and rarely live with their parents past age 18. And they love their mothers, as is often indicated by their tattoos. What more could you want for your little urchins?
Besides, when other parents hear you're raising your children as pirates, they'll stop asking you to volunteer at school. And replacing family movie night with family terrorizing the neighbors with cannons night is a wonderful change of pace. Divvying up booty is good quality time with the kids, and its fun to watch the emergency room doctors reaction when you say your son was injured during a little mishap boarding a merchant vessel that refused to surrender.

So, what are ye waiting for, me bucko, a cannon ball through yer mizzen mast? Get your kids some eye patches, a few gold teeth and a dagger or two. Before you know it, youll be one big, happy pirate family, sailing the high seas or suburbs. And you and your spouse can use the kids college savings for a trip to Las Vegas.