Life, Liberty, and…. Shooting Sports?

May I have the attention of all those people out there that do not own firearms? I want all of y’all to relax. If the road signs in America ever rise up and try to take over the country, they don’t have a chance.

I probably have the attention of a few gun toters, too, so while I’m at it, let me make another point. Whoever’s shooting the signs needs to quit. It makes the rest of us look stupid and irresponsible.

Furthermore, whoever’s shooting road signs using buckshot is qualified for the Idiot Of The Year award.

Let’s take a moment for y’all to consider my qualifications for presenting the Idiot Of The Year award. Any rebuttal? I thought not.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, shooting road signs.

First of all, if you have a new gun and you haven’t been able to go somewhere safe (and smart) to shoot it, don’t waste good bullets shooting up road signs.

Granted, they make good targets. They don’t move. They’re reflective. They don’t shoot back. Neither do beer cans when you’re using somebody’s pond dam as a back stop.

Road signs, by their very definition, are next to roads. Many of them are extremely close to houses. They also belong to the government. So, when you idiots out there pull your shooting iron out and shoot a road sign, you’ve automatically committed four crimes.

The first is discharging a firearm from a highway. The second is possession of a gun during the commission of a crime. The third is destruction of government property. The fourth is conspiracy to commit a crime. More than likely you’ve also been drinking, but that pretty much goes without saying, doesn’t it?

When you get caught, this is what you have coming.

First of all, they’re going to take your play pretty away. Then you’re going to go to the jailhouse and get processed.

In Dooly County that will include delousing and a strip search. Then the Sheriff’s deputies are going to start getting creative with the charges. You’ll be lucky if the four I mentioned, plus DUI, of course, is all they use.

Then you get to sit in a holding cell at the jail until you sober up and can come up with the bond money.

That would be a cash bond, by the way. Let’s face it, very few of us property owners are riding around drinking and shooting at road signs, are we?

Then, when you get out, you have to go home and face the wife. With some women I know, I believe I personally would rather stay in jail, but that’s the way life goes sometimes.

When the District Attorney gets your case, you can count on a little bit of leniency. They’ll probably offer to drop most of the charges if you’ll plead guilty to DUI and possession of a gun during the commission of a crime.

If you don’t take the deal and go for a trial instead, then they’re going to find you guilty anyway and you’ll wind up serving time. So, please, stop shooting road signs.

Chunk a beer bottle at them instead.

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My daughters have reviewed my bio material and declared it lame....Therefore, be it known that I grew up (a work in progress) in South Georgia. For most of my life, I confined my writing to letters, discussion questions in school, email, and case documentation for the government agency where I worked. For the past four years I've published a humor column in the local fish wrapper, The Cordele Dispatch, based on Americans' inalienable rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. So help me.