Life, Liberty, and…. Federal Funds?

I saw on the news recently that medical studies have linked the extra accumulation of belly fat to stress.  And all this time I’ve been thinking it was the beer.
You really don’t have to be Yoda the Jedi Master to make that connection.  “Stress leads to beer.  Beer leads to belly fat.”  Hang on to your light-saber, Luke, we’re about to make the jump to light speed.  Now scientists have discovered a link between belly fat and heart disease.
Oh golly!  Overstressed people that drink and eat too much are at higher risk of heart disease.  Homeland security should raise the heightened state of awareness another notch.  I’m just surprised the far left hasn’t found a way to blame it on the Republicans.
In a way, though, sadly, it is the government’s fault.  Rather, it’s not the government’s fault that we are overstressed and eating and drinking too much, it’s the government’s fault that we found out about it so soon.
What happened was that the government took our money and paid some doctoral candidate to come up with an hypothesis to explain the extra abundance of belly fat.  Then the government paid, again using our money, another bunch of ‘scientists’ to figure out how to test to see if the hypothesis was true.  Next the government used more of our money to put this plan into effect, and finally got the Surgeon General to make sure everything was done just right and that there were no errors in the kickback program.
Russell Yow loves to quote the study, funded by us through our Government, which spent $250K over three years to find out why kids fall off of bicycles.  They did everything just right, from collecting the emergency room data to the analytical work and even printed it all up in a pretty book.
It turns out that there are two reasons why kids fall off of bicycles.  They either lose their balance or run into something.
My personal favorite is the guy that wrote the grant to fund the study to determine ‘the effects of wind and water erosion on granite over a five-year period.’  Hold on a second.  Sure, eventually wind and water will erode granite, but it won’t do it in any measurable quantity in five years.
Maybe, maybe not.  This guy got $500K (that’s a half a million dollars, y’all) to go rock climbing for five years.  The first year he scaled all the major granite faces in the United States, drilled holes at regular intervals to a specified depth, and then every year he went back and measured the holes to see how much the rock had worn away.  The government bought him a van, all the rock climbing gear he needed, and even provided funds for travel expenses.  Not to mention the computers and satellite internet hookup to record his findings.
Basically this guy went on a five-year rock climbing road trip and you and I paid the tab.
I could talk about this all day, but I’m busy writing a grant to study the success ratios in hunting upland game birds, all across the United States of course, using stainless steel shot versus new, eco-friendly, plastic shot make from recycled water bottles.
Do you think two million dollars would be enough?

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My daughters have reviewed my bio material and declared it lame....Therefore, be it known that I grew up (a work in progress) in South Georgia. For most of my life, I confined my writing to letters, discussion questions in school, email, and case documentation for the government agency where I worked. For the past four years I've published a humor column in the local fish wrapper, The Cordele Dispatch, based on Americans' inalienable rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. So help me.