Life, Liberty, and ……. D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

Question:  Why is divorce so expensive?
Answer:  Because it’s worth every penny.

Okay, now that I’ve broken my long standing rule about not using someone else’s joke, at least I have your attention.  Divorce is kind of like that old beer advertising campaign.  You only go around once in life, so go for all the gusto you can get.  The natural corollary being that if you do it right, once is enough.

Judging from the divorce that I got, I’d say that once will be enough for me, too.  However, since almost half of all marriages end in divorce, I have a few insightful tips and useful bits of information gleaned from my personal experience. 

How you use this information is up to you.  You can use it for a quick chuckle, or you can use it to prepare yourself should you find that divorce, whether you believe in it or not, is in your future.

Guys, women do not leave without a plan.  When a woman walks out that door, in her mind she’s been gone for six months.  Do not expect her to come crawling back. 

Men, on the other hand, frequently storm out the door without a plan. 

Therefore, unless that man has unlimited financial resources and has been bearing the financial burdens of your marriage, you can expect him back in a week or ten days. 

If a man does have unlimited financial resources, then it’s a safe bet that he’s on good terms with all of the judges and most of the attorneys in your judicial circuit.  In this case you should move to a different judicial circuit before filing for divorce.

Divorce has its own language, so it’s important to understand what people mean when words come out of their mouths.

When a woman says “I need a few months to think things over” she really means “hire an attorney because I just filed.” 

When a woman says “child support” she really means “you’re going to pay.”  When she says “reasonable child support” she means “through the nose.”

When a woman says “my share” she really means “all of it.” 

When a woman says “what’s fair” she really means “all of it.” 

When a woman says “what’s coming to me” she really means “all of it.”

When an attorney says “we”, what they really mean is “you.” 

When an attorney says “retainer”, what he really means is “your life savings.” 

When an attorney says “billable hours” what she means is “anytime I think about your case.”

When an attorney says “I recommend” what he means is “It’s cheaper to agree with me now.” 

When an attorney says “Start from the beginning and tell me everything” what they mean is “I got ripped in my own divorce and I really need the money.”

When an attorney says “I don’t handle divorce” what they really mean is “your wife just hired the best divorce attorney in the circuit.”

When an attorney appears to be thinking, they’re counting billable hours.

Judges don’t say a lot.  However, when the judge asks any question, the correct response is “Yes, Your Honor.” 

If the judge begins any sentence with the word “Bailiff”, the rest of the sentence is going to be bad news.

And, finally, keep in mind that if you could really talk yourself out of this mess, you probably wouldn’t be in court in the first place.

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My daughters have reviewed my bio material and declared it lame....Therefore, be it known that I grew up (a work in progress) in South Georgia. For most of my life, I confined my writing to letters, discussion questions in school, email, and case documentation for the government agency where I worked. For the past four years I've published a humor column in the local fish wrapper, The Cordele Dispatch, based on Americans' inalienable rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. So help me.