The Secretary of the Interior, Samuel "Smokey" Baer, today announced that he has instituted a permanent moratorium on oil exploration activities in the Alaskan Arctic Wilderness Areas. "These are *wilderness* areas," remarked the Secretary, "that means we're not supposed to be messing around in them. Duh." The Native Arctic Peoples Coalition, the Polar Bear/Walrus lobby, and 'Tundra for Tomorrow' all expressed their support for Mr. Baer's initiative.

All the justices on the Supreme Court breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing that Anna Nicole Smith's death was an accident. "I applaud the conclusion of the lower court", said one of them, who's voice was barely audible over the rustle of judicial robes. "While Ms.Smith deserves her day in court, we are certain the issue can be addressed at a lower level".

The world was saddened today to hear of the death of President Hoover's Dog! King Tut or more affectionately known as "Leg F*cker got caught up in the mass hysteria over tainted dog food and went on a hunger strike. Unfortunately since no one understood a bark he said, his condition went unrecognized until he died!